Car Trouble
I now know what the EPC light on my dashboard means. It means, get comfortable because you're not going anywhere. My best guess is that it actually stands for Electronic Power Control, and just to make sure you actually take this warning seriously, the gearshift locks and won't let you out of Park. Time to call the professionals.
"Dad, can you come pick me up? There's something wrong with my car."
Ok, now it's time to call the professionals. We get on the phone with VW Roadside Assistance and they let us in on the handy dandy trick to override gearlock: the automotive equivalent of turn around three times, touch your nose, and bark like a dog. After about 29 tries, we finally get the sequence right and the car lets us shift into Drive. (Keep in mind that this whole time, I was parked on an incline, so with each failed attempt, the car locks in Neutral and rolls backwards 3 feet.) Afraid of having to shift gears again, we drive it all the way to the VW place, park it in front, and leave it for them to deal with, like birdpoop on a windshield. And they did. After I had only been at work for an hour this morning, I get the call saying the problem is fixed and my car is now back to its normal lovable self. Not bad, guys.
...
As luck would have it--as I'm driving my car home from the service station, a rock flies up and cracks my windshield.