And all this time I thought I was an only child.
I found out over the last three days how college friends can emulate family, and not in the good way. There are seven of us. We see each other about three times a year, and at each occasion we resume our respective roles in the group. The roles we force each other into. The roles we can't break out of to save our lives. But maybe I'm the only one who wants to break free because, like any family, we have a pecking order and I'm at the bottom.
I may have deserved that place when I was in college. I was awkward and distant, depressed and enigmatic. They didn't quite know what to do with me, but then I didn't quite know what to do with myself. Fortunately, they took pity on me and included me in their group. Unfortunately, they are still taking pity on me and including me out of a sense of duty. I am long past being able to hold my own in relationships now, but they won't see that. They will only see the stuff of their expectations. It's annoying as hell, yet I keep going back. I have fallen into my own pattern within the pattern. I chase after the chance to change their opinion of me. I wouldn't miss it for the world.
Sometimes it is healthier when one grows up to shed that old skin and just start anew. Old habits die hard, and if they won't let it go, perhaps you should let them go...
Posted by: Derek Supranowicz on December 31, 2003 11:30 AM